How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
