I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
