Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
This beer is not sobering me up at all
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
