two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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