Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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