there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
