My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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