if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
