My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
