if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
