Jerry, you need to find god
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
