you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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