Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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