At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
