Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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