You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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