Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
