20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
