I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
