so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
