Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Sext me about skeletons
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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