dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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