so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
