Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
it was like eating out sand paper
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
