Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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