In the future we'll all be gay
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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