Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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