I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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