That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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