I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
