I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
