the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
