Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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