You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
