I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
she peed on how many people?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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