I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
