have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Come see our sink grown plant.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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