i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
