I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
