I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
