Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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