i jhust puked up my retainher.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
