when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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