you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
