i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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