That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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