Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The uberlube is also flammable
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
