Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sober January is a disaster.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
