Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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