I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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