Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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