I should be sponsored by Trojan
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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