well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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