my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
