Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
