I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
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We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
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I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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